Doorknobs and Doctors
by The-Lady-Smaell
Summary: Um... Yeah. Iruka's in the hospital and Kakashi's getting the blame. Random humor


Doorknobs and Doctors.

A/N: Just felt like writing something random. Real A/N at the end.

Umino Iruka,Chunnin, academy Sensei and all around nice guy, sat in a hospital bed with a disgruntled look on his face, wiping a dribble of blood from his forehead. Across the room stood one Hatake Kakashi with an amused look in his eye and arms crossed against his chest as though they were the only thing holding in the silver- haired mans laughter. Which in reality wasn't far off the truth, the copy-nin was almost dying to break down and laugh his ass off at the unfortunate Sensei. Fortunately Kakashi did actually have some self sense of self preservation and rather wisely decided not to incur the other mans wrath. Because A) He liked all his appendages where they were thank you very much and B) Liked using them in more amorous activities which would not happen if said recipient of said activities was mightily pissed off at him.

"You know I really didn't need to come to the hospital." Iruka said flatly, glaring at his partner.

"Better to be safe than sorry Ru. You can never be to careful with head injuries." Kakashi's voice was teasing and failed to hide the mans mirth.

The teacher bristled visibly and seemed to be contemplating whether he could get away with murder before the doctor came in to see him.

"It's still not funny."

There was a barked laugh "That is where your are sorely mistaken Iruka."

Iruka glared again feeling his temper rise. _No_ he told himself calmly_ anger is not the way to go here_. After a few deep breaths he had calmed himself down to a reasonable level, even if it had made him feel a bit nauseated int he process. Thankfully the brunette was saved from any further embarrassment or discomfort by the arrival of the doctor.

The doctor in question was a short, portly woman in her mid forties with dark hair that was graying pulled tightly back into a bun. She absentmindedly flipped through the chart and leveled both men with a hard stare.

"I am Dr. Ishida and I will be seeing to you this evening." The voice was blunt and clearly not amused at being forced to deal with something so trivial as a minor head injury.

"Arigato Ishida-Sama" Iruka replied politely but curtly. He had not missed the tone in the womans voice and for some reason it annoyed him.

The doctor ignored the pleasantries and set straight about doing her work. Moving to Iruka's side she took a look a the gash starting at the teachers hairline and headed several centimeters backwards into the mass of dark hair. Iruka resisted the urge to fidget as she prodded and poked and contented himself with shooting evil looks at his erstwhile partner. Who appeared to be enjoying himself immensely.

A frown puckered the doctors lips and the look on her face clearly screamed 'this is a waste of my time and skill.' Stepping back Ishida turned to the small table that had been wheeled in alongside her and pulled out a tube of something that looked suspiciously like glue.

"The wound is not serious enough to need stitches Umino-San. So I'm just going to glue it, I warn you it's going to feel uncomfortable for a few days."

Iruka nodded and tried not to squirm as the cold sticky substance was dripped down his head sticking the gash (and a fair portion of hair) together. After a few moments the doctor stood back, apparently satisfied with her work. She pulled out a clean wipe from the packet and dabbed the remaining blood away.

"Right there is just one last thing I need from you. I need to know how this happened for the records."

Iruka face went white and then a brilliant blush spread across the mans cheeks.

"Um... Why?" He asked, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

Ishida looked a little peeved. "I thought that would be obvious. We have to keep track of things around here somehow."

"Ah, right..." The teacher muttered his face going even redder

"So stop wasting my time Umino-san. How did you incur this injury?"

Iruka let out an embarrassed groan "I... I..Um fell into a door."

Doctor Ishida's eyes narrowed at the statement. "You fell into a door..." She said very slowly, her eyes taking in the fidgety nature of the man sitting before her and she then turned to fix her gaze on the mans silent but clearly amused partner. Kakashi noticed the Doctors change in attention and leveled the woman with an even stare.

"Um... Yeah" Iruka continued looking at the floor "I was running late to a _meeting_ and well on my way out I slipped on my doormat and went head first into the door."

"Right..." Again the doctor said the words slowly, her steely eyes never leaving Kakashi's. The copy-nin was starting to feel more than a little peeved and certainly confused by this intrusive, arrogant and downright unlikeable doctor! just what was she insinuating with that stare of hers?

"I know it's sounds stupid, a _ninja_ of all people being so clumsy..." The brunette continued to babble eyes not leaving the floor out of embarrassment.

"It doesn't sound stupid Umino-san" Ishida cut in, her eyes now narrowing to a frightful glare. Again Kakashi felt a little confused, what was thew woman getting so annoyed over? _Unless.... No she couldn't be thinking that, could she?_ If the rapidly darkening glare and fluctuating chakra where anything to go by then yes it seemed the doctor did seem to think that. A growl erupted from Kakashi's _throat._

_How DARE she think that for one second. _

Noticing the sudden drop in room temperature and the slight spark of murderous intent Iruka finally looked up to find his lover and his doctor engaged in some kind of staring death match. _What on earth is going on?. _Then suddenly like a ton of bricks it hit him as his own words floated back into his mind

"**I... I um fell into a door."**

The words that a victim usually uses to protect an attacker.

Surely Dr. Ishida didn't think that Kakashi had done this to him? But he quickly reversed that idea when he saw the death glare etched across the womans face, which clearly said the she DID think that the silver-haired nin had done this to her patient. Iruka had to choke back a laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation and felt somewhat smug that for once Kakashi was on the receiving end of the abuse. It was only when he felt a crackle in the air the the brunette decided to step in. before the copy-nin hurt someone for real. If the look on Kakashi's face was anything to go by he wasn't far off it.

"Um... Dr. Ishida?" He asked tentatively, suddenly dissipating the dark atmosphere with a few simple words.

The doctor broke of her glare, somewhat startled by the voice. She had almost forgotten about the other man in the room.

"Yes Umino-san?"

"I would like to go home now. I was wondering if you could go and get the discharge paperwork?"

The doctor seemed reluctant to leave the room but did so, but not before shooting Kakashi a dirty look on the way out of the room. Iruka waited for the door to click shut before bursting into laughter, Kakashi however was far from amused.

"Iruka... This. is. Not. Funny. She thinks.... she thinks..." he couldn't even bring himself to say it, he was that beside himself in fury.

The sensei was still reveling in the pleasant buzz of laughter "I know... That's why it IS so funny."

"You're evil you know that." The anger had gone and had been replaced with a sulk.

"I know but you love me for it."

"Not right now I don't" 'pout'

"Stop pouting... It'll give you wrinkles." Iruka teased.

"fine but I'm still not happy. Who knows what that hag is telling them out there?"

"Probably nothing. Patient confidentiality and all that stuff."

"I hope for her sake you're right." The voice was low and dangerous.

Iruka frowned knowing exactly what was going through the silver-haired nins head. He knew that look all to well it meant pain or trouble or both.

"Kakashi you are not going to Chidori Dr. Ishida."

"What... I wasn't thinking...."

"Don't lie. I know that look and the if the crackle before wasn't a dead give away I don't know what is."

"Okay so _maybe _I was thinking about it. Doesn't mean i was going to."

The teacher shook his head "With you thinking and doing are one and the same."

"Fine I promise not to Chidori that annoying stuck up wench."

"Good boy."

Kakashi was prevented from retorting by the return of said annoying, stuck up wench. Dr. Ishida blustered into the room a deep frown on her face and brandished the paperwork at Iruka.

"Here you are Umino-san. Would you like someone to escort you home?"

Iruka shook his head holding back a snigger and took the paperwork from the woman, noting Kakashi's glare. He quickly signed, dotted the 'I's' and crossed the 'T's' before handing it back to th doctor. With a grimace she accepted the finished form and tucked it under her arm and then went to leave the room. Opening the door she turned to the rooms occupants.

"You're free to leave Umino-san. Are you sure you would not like an escort.?"

Iruka let a warm smile grace his features "No I'm sure i will be fine Dr. ishida, after all I have Hatake-san to watch over me." He was evil and he was going to burn in hell for it but the looks on both faces was s_oooooo _worth it. Kakashi glare turned a triumphant smirk and the doctors face went pale and flinty.

"As you wish." She muttered darkly, letting the door slip shut.

"Come on" Iruka said getting to his feet "I've had enough of hospitals to last me a lifetime."

Kakashi couldn't agree more and smiled a genuine smile at the thought of getting out of this hell hole. His good mood didn't last long though, it didn't even make it out of the hospital. In fact it just about made it out of the room they had been sat in. The second the two men set foot outside pairs of eyes from all around focused in and began to glare. If looks could kill the copy-nin would have died a thousand times over. It appeared the academy sensei was way more popular than he thought.

"Patient confidentiality my ass.... Screw this for a game of soldiers." Kakashi muttered pulling the other man close and weaving the hand signs for the teleportation jutsu. Iruka just rolled his eyes before the poofed in to thin air._ Honestly people would believe anything nowadays. _

They arrived in a heap at Iruka's apartment, falling off balance as as soon as their feet touched the floor and onto the worn out couch. Kakashi grimaced as he extracted himself from his partner.

"You know next time you hurt yourself I'm just gonna leave you to bleed to death." Kakashi's voice was laced with dry humor.

Iruka snorted "Just cause you're afraid of a few nurses is no need to make me suffer."

"Yeah... whatever."

The snort turned into a full fledged laugh "You know in years to come we'll laugh at this."

The other mans shoulders tensed "I just wish I could laugh now."

"Oh don't you start that, those doctors are idiots. I know you'll never hurt me and anyone who knows us knows better than to believe such rumors me. Hell even Naruto knows better than that."

Kakashi's eyes went wide with horror "Naruto... Shit if he thinks... My life is about to turn inot a living hell."

Iruka almost laughed "Meh.... I doubt he'd believe it. But either way I'll handle damage control tomorrow morning."

"But..."

""I said it will be fine. Now shush I believe i have some making up to do, after all i did miss our _meeting_."

Kakashi grinned as Iruka laid a soft kiss on his lips, taking the hint and shutting up.

~The End~

A/N: This fic is dedicated to my long suffering boyfriend who knows from experience that truth is stranger than fiction ^_^. This is actually based on true events and I'm ashamed to say I am the one who GENUINELY fell into a door and cut my head open. My boyfriend still hasn't forgiven me (and I don't think he ever will) for all the dirty looks he got of the doctors.

Reviewers will be showered with cookies. ^_^


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